It's a Sign, It's a Signal

When I was interviewing at PNWU I was surprised by how many things felt right. Located in a state I have always seen myself living one day. With clinical rotation options in Alaska (my birth state). And even a global medicine program in Uganda (a place I have familial connections to and have hoped to return). The guest speaker at our church the other week, Sarah Augustine, lives in Yakima and offered a home cooked meal if I ever wanted. I would have friends nearby in Seattle. And of course the program is very inline with my aspirations in medicine, to work in primary care in underserved communities.

I was recounting all this to my spiritual director the other week and asking the question: Am I supposed to make meaning of this? I know that humans like to make meaning out of things. We see patterns in events and spaces where mathematically there are no patterns, but we make meaning anyway. I feel resistant to meaning making. It makes me think about the universe, "meant to be", whether or not things are predestined, etc. But when my spiritual director returned my questions with, "why not make meaning out of this? Why not see it as a sign?" I did not really have a good answer for her.

My Grandfather, R. Laverne Landis, and my Aunt, Konnie Landis, were both Family Practice doctors known for the quality of care they provided and their ability to celebrate life. They both passed away by the time I was 11 years old, so much of my memory of them is stories and pictures. Sometimes, this loss hits me hard. Thursday evening on my ride home from work I started spiraling in a frenzy of worried questions. How do I care for people with empathy and also take care of myself? How do I push through the craziness of med school and still feel like I am spending my 20's well? Am I ready for med school? What does it mean to be a Dr. Landis? I thought of them and wished I could ask my questions. This heartache lingered in my mind for the evening.

The next morning I got an email from Temple University (the school both my Grandfather and Aunt attended) inviting me for an interview. On top of feeling ecstatic at the opportunity to interview, there was something unsettling about it. Is this a sign, a coincidence, a message? I do not understand how this universe works. If anyone has the answer please help me out here.

One of the classic storybooks from my childhood was The Huckabuck Family. The story follows a family who's life changes after finding a silver slipper buckle in a squash. The next time they find a silver slipper buckle in a squash they know their life is about to change course again. They say, "it's a sign, it's a signal!" Unfortunately since I have not found a silver slipper buckle in a squash, I do not know if any of this is a sign or has meaning. But in any case, the timing and sequence of events of the past couple months have made my think hard about the way that I make meaning in this world.

[photos are from 2 hikes I went on this weekend]